All of these lines across my face tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
I'm sure I have a lot of lines across my face. And I have a lot of stories to tell. But I would be nothing if not for the people around me. I've written before that I'm no good at being alone. I can spend hours by myself and I'm a very private person, but I need people. I want people. I'm not saying that everyone needs to fall in love and get married, but I have a very hard time believing someone who thinks that they don't need anyone but his/her self in order to be happy. I believe in finding inner peace and happiness, but we are meant to be in community with people. It doesn't matter if you have a husband, best friend, brother, sister, or goldfish. What matters is that you surround yourself with people who love you, people who challenge you, people who support you, people who make you so mad you aren't sure you want to yell and scream or laugh. We are the company that we keep. Why not make the company worth while? Why not be the type of person that others want to be around?
When I was growing up I always wondered who my parents' friends were. I remember seeing my uncles at our house and a neighbor here or there, but my parents didn't really have a group of friends. They both were close with their siblings, so I guess they didn't see a need in many outside friends. I really don't have an opinion about their decisions except that I know the place my parents most wanted to be was at home as a family. When you're a kid you just want to go outside and play and be with your friends. You don't want to spend nights just being with your parents. You don't understand how precious or important that time might be to them. Now that I'm a grown-up I would give anything to have one more family dinner with all six of us together.
Throughout both of my parents' deaths, I've thought that a lot. What if I had one more day? What would I say? I just wish I could talk to my mom one more time. I wish I could hear her laugh and feel her warmth. I wish I could let her know that I'm taking good care of my sisters (I think). I wish she could see me in my wedding dress. I wish I could scoop her up into a tight hug like I always did. All I want is one more day. I wish that I could tell my dad that I was listening. I am trying like hell to choose to be happy. I am making the little things count. I wish I could hear him say, "Sleep good, Kar Bear." I wish I could respond, "Okay, Poppa, I'll sleep well." Above everything, I wish I had one more chance to tell my parents thank you. Thank you for showing me just what unending love and grace looks like. Thank you for the values that you have instilled in me. In all of us. For showing us that your family might take a new shape but it never leaves you. Thank you for the laughter. Thank you for your life. I don't have any regrets with my relationship with my parents. There will never be a day that goes by when I don't wish they were here or think of something I'd love to share with them. I don't have any advice for what to do when those moments arise. Maybe that's the part of me that is the deepest wound right now. I don't know when I will stop wishing my parents were here. I don't know when I'll stop feeling a twinge of jealousy when I hear someone had a successful stem cell transplant or anger towards an incredibly unhealthy person living taking their life for granted. I don't know when I'll stop missing my mom and dad. I don't know how to stop missing them. But I do know how to live my life. I know what matters. I know who matters.
I know that my mom gave everything for her family. She knew that people in town talked about her. Saw Lori trimming her grass with scissors again. Can you believe how she's always out there cleaning? She's crazy. Gotta love small towns, right? Here's the thing. She didn't hang out at the Moose on the weekends. She didn't gossip at the grocery store. Those things didn't matter to her. She wanted me. She wanted all of us. So she trimmed our grass with scissors. I thought she was crazy, but that didn't stop me from picking up a pair and joining her so that she wouldn't work as hard. She cleaned. A lot. Not because she was a neat freak. Okay, maybe a little. But she did it because she wanted us to be proud of where we lived. She wanted us to have a nice place to call home. The greatest job title she ever held was that of mom. My dad was the same. He didn't spend as much time in the yard as her, but his greatest accomplishment was us. He did a lot of great things in his life, but we were who he wanted to come home and see. We were what made him whole. I don't think that I was a kid who never realized this. I didn't really have any teenage angst or mood swings. My dad and I had our disagreements (I can only imagine my brother and my sisters' faces as they read that), but I always knew what they did for us. But I don't think I lived like I did. So that is my mission now. I am living every moment for them. I will hold my head up high and I will treat people with respect and kindness and grace because it's what I got from them. I want to be the person who laughs at silly jokes and cries at sappy movies. I don't want to climb Mt. Everest or meet someone famous. I just want to be happy. I want my life to be an example of grace and dignity. Because I want to and because I'm a representation of my parents and their legacy. Sadness comes. I cried the whole time I was writing this post. And sometimes sadness doesn't leave right away. But happiness also comes. You have to work at it, but true joy is worth the effort. The love that comes from joy is worth the effort.
The English teacher in me is wondering how I can tie this post together with a neat little bow. But the realist in me knows that life isn't always neat. I guess if you take anything away from reading this it's to surround yourself with good people. People who will build you up and hold you accountable. People who will do silly things with you. Surround yourself with people--or even just a person, who makes you feel joy and comfort. Recognize that there is sadness in the world but that during that sadness all you have to do is look to your right or left. I bet you will be glad to see whomever is there. I have a lot to talk about and a lot think about, but I would be nowhere without the people next to me who are listening. I think that's what I've come to realize through a lot of what has happened. I don't have to be that sad girl. I don't want to be her. Sometimes I am her, but more than anything I want to be that person that you want to talk with. I want to be the person who listens and cares. The person who makes you laugh. I want you to feel my warmth because I was blessed to have felt the warmth of my parents. Sometimes I may want to cry with you, but then we can laugh and have a glass of wine afterward. Be thankful. Be humble. Be graceful. Choose happiness.
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