Define.

First of all, I must apologize for my crazy lack of posting. I keep thinking that I need to, but just like always, life seems to take over. Also, I've been in a sort of dry spell as far as what I'm feeling. This isn't a bad thing, though. I've been adjusting to life as a married, working woman and so far I have no complaints! I waited for my dream man and married him. I didn't know it at the time, but I really think I was waiting for my dream job. And I'm feeling like that's where I am. I am ready to work and I am ready to live this life. I've been reflecting a lot on how both of these came to be, but I still keep thinking, "I really don't have anything to say right now on my blog." Much of this blog has been based on my life without my parents--adjusting, living, loving and planning a wedding. Well, I had my wedding and I seem adjusted. So, now what? I'm not sad or overwhelmed or going through something major in my life, so what do I share? Do I share? Then, naturally for me, I started doing more thinking.

I realized that, at times, I let my sadness define me. I let my experiences define me. The sadness is part of who I am, as odd as that sounds, but it doesn't define me. I tend to slip into the role of "the girl who lost her parents" too quickly. First and foremost I am a child of God. I am a steward for Christ. Would anybody know that if they talked to me? I hope so. I hope that more people who meet me know me for my love for Christ and my love for people more than they know how sad I am that I lost my parents. I hope that for those reading this I have been able to communicate love. Love is what defines me. When meeting with prospective students, I often ask them to tell me a little bit about themselves. And I've started to wonder, what would I say if they asked me the same? I'm sure I would say I'm a newlywed, I just graduated with my Masters, and so on. I probably wouldn't mention the loss of my parents, but I'm sure it would be something on my mind. But is that really who I am? In the conventional sense, yes. This isn't some existential crisis. I'm not pondering the meaning of life, but I am taking a deeper look at what defines me. After some thought, I would say love. But love doesn't define me. It releases me. It allows me to heal. It allows me to forgive. It allows me to grow. It allows me to be. The love that I have for Christ frees me. The love that I have for my husband fulfills me. The love that I have for my brother and my sisters warms me. I am not defined by my loss. I am not defined by the fact that I planned a wedding without my mom and didn't have my dad walk me down the aisle. Those were sad, but they happened. I can't change them. I miss my parents every day, but that doesn't define me. The love that I have for my parents emboldens me. So it really is a double-edged sword; can you imagine if someone asked me to tell them about myself and I went into all of that? How do you decide what defines you?

I think it's my hope and my prayer that I can use my experiences to help others. I hope that someone might read this and know that there is goodness in this world. Bad things can happen, but there is still so much good. God is good. People are good. I would lie if I said that there are moments when I am terrified of what might happen next. It's a reflex when you've endured so much tragedy. And sometimes that fear consumes me. Sometimes I let the fear of the unknown, the fear of future tragedy define me. Sadly, I am sometimes defined by "what ifs?" It's hard not to be. I look at my high school graduation pictures and think, "That girl had no idea what the next 5-7 years of her life would be." So it's hard to not look at wedding pictures and imagine all of the terrible things that can happen. Letting fear define you is debilitating.

When you let fear define you, even the most irrational thoughts seem rational. Of course someone else you love will get sick because one person already did. Of course there will be tragedy because there already has been so much. How do you conquer this? I really don't have any answers. I think that's where the title of my first blog comes to fruition. You can't forget to breathe. You decide what defines you. You decide what frees you. If you let anger into your heart, it will define you. If you let fear into you mind, it will define you. My dad always told me that I could choose to be happy or I could choose to not be happy. I never thought I'd say it, but he was right. Let joy into your heart. Let forgiveness into your heart. Be hopeful. Be grateful. It's scarier to be all of those, but it's so much more fulfilling. Be the person that others want to be around. You decide what defines you. I'm not the only person in the world to have lost both her parents (there are 3 others like me in my family alone). Whatever your cross to bear, hold your head high. There is good in this world. People will surprise you if you let them into your heart. When we open our hearts and open our minds, we make ourselves vulnerable and available for pain. But we also make ourselves available to love. Choose to be happy. Choose to love others. I hope that after someone meets me, even if they find out about my sadness, they are overwhelmed by my love. My passion. My thirst for life. It's sometimes easier said than done. A lot of times, I am angry. I am sad. I am fearful. But most of all, I am hopeful. I am hopeful for a day with no more pain, a day filled with unending love. Until that day, I will choose to live my life with compassion, with grace, with love. I will never know two people as graceful and warm as my parents, and I hope I carry their grace with me.

Don't let what happens to you define you. My tragedy is my tragedy. It is a part of me, but maybe it doesn't have to be the bad part. I can choose to let it be the part that reminds me to be graceful and reminds me to be thankful. I long for my family to include my parents, but it doesn't. And it won't ever again. That's a sad blunt truth, but it doesn't have to be debilitating. I have the love of my parents deep within my soul. I would love to call my mom on my way home from work, but instead I spend a few moments in prayer and feel close to her. People, sadly, leave you. They fight like hell to stay, but sometimes it's out of their hands. But love never leaves. 1 Corinthians 13 is a super popular verse, especially for weddings, but when you really look at it, it's hard to do those things on our own. Love is patient--I can get impatient. Love is kind-- I try, but I'm sure I'm not always....it always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. How powerful. Love, through Christ, is all of these things. Always. I don't know anyone who can say that. Love has to be incredibly powerful to be able to be all of that. Let this love into your heart. Let yourself trust, allow yourself to hope, and above all else, let love help you persevere.