Choose.

I don't know if it is the gloomy weather or the dreary season of winter approaching, but sometimes I really miss my parents. Okay, all the time I really miss my parents. I miss my momma's smile and her ability to make any situation better. I miss her crazy antics and the big grin she would give after being silly. I miss calling her Betty Boop after her hair came back the first time super curly. I miss dreaming about the future with her while we were both wordlessly terrified that there was no future. I miss my dad's advice (never thought I would say that). I miss his hugs and I even miss his wet mustache kisses that he would give after chugging water. I miss him cheering for the Steelers and muting the tv and even the radio. I miss tickling him and making him laugh to the point where he couldn't take it. Sometimes it's easier to pretend that my parents are a phone call away instead of reminding myself that they are gone. Both of them. Not at once. No, we right when we started to heal, we lost my dad. Maybe we weren't as healed as we thought. I think because of that my wounds may never heal. I often try to analyze my thoughts and my feelings. Maybe it's being married to a counselor, but I'm always to trying to figure out what is "wrong" with me. Why can't I shake the feeling that we aren't done with our sadness? That we aren't done with loss. And tragedy. Why am I constantly worrying about events that I'm sure are going to happen but are still in the future? The only answer is that I am broken. I am wounded. My scars have been ripped open so many times that I fear they will never heal. That I will never heal. Writing that down seems a lot more real than the thoughts I push out of my mind every day. I am afraid that I won't heal. I am afraid that the first step I take towards healing will be the first step towards the next great sadness in my life. Sometimes I feel like such a coward and such a phony for seeming happy.

But here's the catch. I am happy. Honestly. I feel split into two with my emotions because how can you love your life and everyone in it so passionately and so completely but be bracing yourself for tragedy at the same time? My dad would say it's simple. You choose. I choose. "You can choose to be happy or you can choose to not be happy." I heard it a million times growing up. And I ignored it. I told him, "Okay Dad I'll try," but I was lying. Not purposely. But deep down, by telling my dad I would choose to be happy, I was lying to him. I really tried to be happy after my mom died. I tried to heal. Planning a wedding is a great reason to be happy. I loved every minute of being engaged and enjoying that time in our life. And when my dad died and my heart was ripped open again, happy was the last thing I ever thought I would feel. And I struggled. Obviously I still struggle. But I did get happy again. A cautious happy. An "I'm happy now but I'm bracing for tragedy" happy. Who knew that emotion could be so complicated. So many times when I do or say something (especially when it's crazy) I see my mom or my dad's reaction. If I told my dad that I struggle to make happiness simple, he would want to slap me. My mom might agree. I get a lot of my crazy thoughts from her. My dad would tell me to look around, see who I'm surrounded by, and be happy. Simply happy. And he's right. Right now, I am sad. I am nostalgic. I am yearning for my parents. But mostly, I am happy.

I've been trying lately to get back to that notion of being simply happy. I keep a picture of our family from our wedding on my desk at work. When I look at it, I feel happiness. I don't feel like my parents should be there or something is missing. Really, they should have been there. Something (some people) are missing. But that's not what I feel. I feel pride and I feel warmth. I've said it all along in this blog, but happiness is love. It doesn't matter if it is love in the present or love from memories. That's why my dad thought it could be so simple. If you are surrounded by people you love, why wouldn't you be happy? There is no love in worry. There is no love in dread. It is so easy for our hearts to be clouded with so many other emotions that we forget about love. It's always there waiting for us to come back. We focus on worry, on dread, on sadness, on jealousy that we forget about love. That's why happiness is a choice. It's the easiest emotion to feel but the hardest emotion to obtain. And that's because we don't seek it out. We don't make happiness a priority. We, me especially, let worry and sadness take over because they don't take any work. Who is going to put effort into worrying? It just comes naturally. At least for me. As I reflect on the time spent without my parents, I used to feel guilty for my happiness. For our happiness. But the happiness comes so easily because of our love. Our wedding was happy because of the incredible amount of love we were surrounded with. There was sadness. That's always there. I'm not saying that you have to be one emotion or the other. I think that my sadness with always be there. I'm working at it, but maybe my worry will always be there. The point that I need to remember is that my happiness wins. Love wins. Our family is happy. We celebrate graduations and birthdays and have parties with our friends because we choose love. We choose to talk about our parents and laugh because we choose love. We get sad and we cry together, but love wins.

If people ever wonder how we are able to be so happy after such sadness it's because of love. Because of the love our parents had for each other and for us. No family is perfect, but our parents loved so fiercely that it is burned into our hearts and our lives. No amount of sadness over death will ever touch that love. That happiness. So Dad, I guess I do choose to be happy. I choose to live in the love and light provided by my parents and shared with the four of us. The five of us now. The past few parties that we have had for various celebrations, I've tried to take the time to look around at all the love. Our incredible families. And our friends. Our people. Who we turned to for comfort and who we surround ourselves with for happiness. Never underestimate the power of a smile. The days will come that you let sadness or fear or worry surround you. But remember this, choose to be happy. It seems simple. It is simple. We just let silly things like our mind get in the way of our heart.