Choose.

I don't know if it is the gloomy weather or the dreary season of winter approaching, but sometimes I really miss my parents. Okay, all the time I really miss my parents. I miss my momma's smile and her ability to make any situation better. I miss her crazy antics and the big grin she would give after being silly. I miss calling her Betty Boop after her hair came back the first time super curly. I miss dreaming about the future with her while we were both wordlessly terrified that there was no future. I miss my dad's advice (never thought I would say that). I miss his hugs and I even miss his wet mustache kisses that he would give after chugging water. I miss him cheering for the Steelers and muting the tv and even the radio. I miss tickling him and making him laugh to the point where he couldn't take it. Sometimes it's easier to pretend that my parents are a phone call away instead of reminding myself that they are gone. Both of them. Not at once. No, we right when we started to heal, we lost my dad. Maybe we weren't as healed as we thought. I think because of that my wounds may never heal. I often try to analyze my thoughts and my feelings. Maybe it's being married to a counselor, but I'm always to trying to figure out what is "wrong" with me. Why can't I shake the feeling that we aren't done with our sadness? That we aren't done with loss. And tragedy. Why am I constantly worrying about events that I'm sure are going to happen but are still in the future? The only answer is that I am broken. I am wounded. My scars have been ripped open so many times that I fear they will never heal. That I will never heal. Writing that down seems a lot more real than the thoughts I push out of my mind every day. I am afraid that I won't heal. I am afraid that the first step I take towards healing will be the first step towards the next great sadness in my life. Sometimes I feel like such a coward and such a phony for seeming happy.

But here's the catch. I am happy. Honestly. I feel split into two with my emotions because how can you love your life and everyone in it so passionately and so completely but be bracing yourself for tragedy at the same time? My dad would say it's simple. You choose. I choose. "You can choose to be happy or you can choose to not be happy." I heard it a million times growing up. And I ignored it. I told him, "Okay Dad I'll try," but I was lying. Not purposely. But deep down, by telling my dad I would choose to be happy, I was lying to him. I really tried to be happy after my mom died. I tried to heal. Planning a wedding is a great reason to be happy. I loved every minute of being engaged and enjoying that time in our life. And when my dad died and my heart was ripped open again, happy was the last thing I ever thought I would feel. And I struggled. Obviously I still struggle. But I did get happy again. A cautious happy. An "I'm happy now but I'm bracing for tragedy" happy. Who knew that emotion could be so complicated. So many times when I do or say something (especially when it's crazy) I see my mom or my dad's reaction. If I told my dad that I struggle to make happiness simple, he would want to slap me. My mom might agree. I get a lot of my crazy thoughts from her. My dad would tell me to look around, see who I'm surrounded by, and be happy. Simply happy. And he's right. Right now, I am sad. I am nostalgic. I am yearning for my parents. But mostly, I am happy.

I've been trying lately to get back to that notion of being simply happy. I keep a picture of our family from our wedding on my desk at work. When I look at it, I feel happiness. I don't feel like my parents should be there or something is missing. Really, they should have been there. Something (some people) are missing. But that's not what I feel. I feel pride and I feel warmth. I've said it all along in this blog, but happiness is love. It doesn't matter if it is love in the present or love from memories. That's why my dad thought it could be so simple. If you are surrounded by people you love, why wouldn't you be happy? There is no love in worry. There is no love in dread. It is so easy for our hearts to be clouded with so many other emotions that we forget about love. It's always there waiting for us to come back. We focus on worry, on dread, on sadness, on jealousy that we forget about love. That's why happiness is a choice. It's the easiest emotion to feel but the hardest emotion to obtain. And that's because we don't seek it out. We don't make happiness a priority. We, me especially, let worry and sadness take over because they don't take any work. Who is going to put effort into worrying? It just comes naturally. At least for me. As I reflect on the time spent without my parents, I used to feel guilty for my happiness. For our happiness. But the happiness comes so easily because of our love. Our wedding was happy because of the incredible amount of love we were surrounded with. There was sadness. That's always there. I'm not saying that you have to be one emotion or the other. I think that my sadness with always be there. I'm working at it, but maybe my worry will always be there. The point that I need to remember is that my happiness wins. Love wins. Our family is happy. We celebrate graduations and birthdays and have parties with our friends because we choose love. We choose to talk about our parents and laugh because we choose love. We get sad and we cry together, but love wins.

If people ever wonder how we are able to be so happy after such sadness it's because of love. Because of the love our parents had for each other and for us. No family is perfect, but our parents loved so fiercely that it is burned into our hearts and our lives. No amount of sadness over death will ever touch that love. That happiness. So Dad, I guess I do choose to be happy. I choose to live in the love and light provided by my parents and shared with the four of us. The five of us now. The past few parties that we have had for various celebrations, I've tried to take the time to look around at all the love. Our incredible families. And our friends. Our people. Who we turned to for comfort and who we surround ourselves with for happiness. Never underestimate the power of a smile. The days will come that you let sadness or fear or worry surround you. But remember this, choose to be happy. It seems simple. It is simple. We just let silly things like our mind get in the way of our heart.

Share.

I've been feeling the tug lately to post. As usual, lots of thoughts have been bouncing around in my head as far as what to write. I've thought about what we've celebrated in the last few months, countered that with what we've mourned in the last few years, and reached one conclusion. I am blessed with the ability to share all of that. I feel like I have been given the gift of words. Of speaking. Of writing. Of sharing. I have been through a lot. And because of that, I have had a lot to share. Shoot, it's the reason I started writing in the first place. But where would I be...where would anyone be, without the gift of language? Think about how many times a day you use words. I know it's a crazy thought, but think about it. I am in a profession where speaking and writing are main components. How many times a day do you say hello to someone? How many times a day do you send a text or an email? Do we really think about how intentional we are being with our words? They may seem meaningless or fruitless words, but, in my experience, words can have a profound effect on someone.

The thought that has been swishing around in my head lately is, "How intentional am I with my words?" You never know the power of a simple "Hello" or a asking someone how they are and genuinely being interested in the answer. Our lives have become so inundated with words that I'm afraid they've lost their gusto. I know that not every conversation or interaction you have with a person in a day will be life-altering, but how many of them can? How many times does a person walk away from a conversation with you thinking how genuine you are? The power of words and language is immeasurable. Someone (not in my office) was a little rude to me today and I thought, "Ugh. I did nothing wrong. Why treat someone like that?" And I think that's one of our problems. When we get short or snippy with someone (and I know I do it too) we don't realize the impact it could have. Life is not perfect. It is not always shiny and happy. Sometimes you really don't feel like smiling and being friendly. Sometimes you want to cry and be angry and shout. That's all part of the beautiful gift of language. The hard part is to choose to use this gift to be genuine and not to be hurtful.

When I think about all that our little family of 5 has been through and what we've been able to celebrate, I am astounded. Sometimes I'm afraid that we have had too much good in the last few months and that the tide will change. It's a crippling fear that I have to actively choose to suppress. And then I think, "Damnit, we've had enough sadness over the past two years. We deserve this!" See, even in your mind, words and thoughts are always present. I've been detailing my journey through engagement, mourning, marriage, and all things in between. I've been able to use the gift of words to share my pain, my excitement, my fears, and my heart. It is such a vulnerable, freeing, heart breaking, blessed gift that I believe I've been given. I've said all along that I don't write for sympathy. I don't write for "fans." I write because it's what I feel called to do. I never realized that before. If my words and my thoughts can resonate with someone or make them smile or understand grief a little better, then my gift is being used how, maybe, God intended.

I love nothing more than to talk. And to share about my life. Sometimes I think I am funny, but mostly I think, and hope, that I am genuine. It is my prayer that I can share what I have been through and the feelings I have had throughout and have someone feel that I did so out of a true desire to share. I know a lot of keychains and Hallmark cards claim it, but I really did have the World's Best Mom. And the World's Best Dad. Okay, maybe I'm a tad biased, but I was loved unconditionally, whole-heartedly, unabashedly, for 20+ years. And I still feel that love. I feel that love because of the memories I have--because of the values I have--because of the love I have to share. That love manifests itself in my stories and in my writing. I only have memories now. I only have "was" and "were" in my stories. I don't have present tense stories about my parents' love. But my past tense is so real and so genuine that it gets me through the days when I yearn for the present tense. I lament the future, so I cling to what I have. I have crazy stories and antecdotes. I have mannerisms and qualities. I have love. That doesn't go away when a person does. I can talk about my parents for hours. For days.

 Sometimes when the five of us are together (okay a lot of the time) I picture my parents in heaven watching us. If I close my eyes, I can pretend they're going to sit down for dinner or call us in to watch Jeopardy. But mostly, I wonder what they're like in heaven. I wonder what it will be like. I wonder what they feel. I just wonder. When I tell people that my husband and I live with different variations of siblings (sometimes one sister, sometimes both, sometimes a brother, sometimes all of us) I feel a little pang of jealousy towards couples who get to be just the two of them. I wonder if we're missing any big moments not living just the two of us. But right now, that's not our life. Our life is together. The two of us--with my family. Our family. It is cathartic to sit around the table and talk and sing and laugh as a family. Right now, we're meant to have this time together. We're meant to heal with each other. I feel the closest to my parents when we are all together. When I watch my sisters. When I listen as my brother speaks. I feel our parents. Deep in my heart, I feel their warmth. Memories are not stale. The beauty of words and sharing is that you get to relive so much happiness. And everyone tells a story differently. I remember moments from childhood that my brother doesn't. When we talk it's like we're right back there. That's the power of words.

As I'm reflecting on my thoughts, once again, I feel like a lot of the same themes come out in my writing. I know I talk a ton about love and being genuine, and I pray that's the type of person I am. I am a child of Jeff and Lori--godly, courageous, world-class people who both tragically died. But I am first and foremost a child of God. Because of the love of Christ I am able to continually feel my parent's love. I am able to put my thoughts into words and share them. Because my parents instilled kindness and goodness in me, I pray that I am able to look a person in the eye and have them feel that warmth. I have very high expectations. I've lost friends because of that. I guess I'm just a simple person who believes in the power of kindness. The power of kindness in words and deeds. Because just like faith without works is dead, words without feeling are dead. Every person, on their worst day and in their darkest hour, deserves love and is capable of giving love. Throughout celebrations and triumphs, tragedy and stumbles, love never fails. The ability to put love into words and thoughts is a gift. Love God. Love people. Love yourself. And don't underestimate the power of a genuine conversation.

Define.

First of all, I must apologize for my crazy lack of posting. I keep thinking that I need to, but just like always, life seems to take over. Also, I've been in a sort of dry spell as far as what I'm feeling. This isn't a bad thing, though. I've been adjusting to life as a married, working woman and so far I have no complaints! I waited for my dream man and married him. I didn't know it at the time, but I really think I was waiting for my dream job. And I'm feeling like that's where I am. I am ready to work and I am ready to live this life. I've been reflecting a lot on how both of these came to be, but I still keep thinking, "I really don't have anything to say right now on my blog." Much of this blog has been based on my life without my parents--adjusting, living, loving and planning a wedding. Well, I had my wedding and I seem adjusted. So, now what? I'm not sad or overwhelmed or going through something major in my life, so what do I share? Do I share? Then, naturally for me, I started doing more thinking.

I realized that, at times, I let my sadness define me. I let my experiences define me. The sadness is part of who I am, as odd as that sounds, but it doesn't define me. I tend to slip into the role of "the girl who lost her parents" too quickly. First and foremost I am a child of God. I am a steward for Christ. Would anybody know that if they talked to me? I hope so. I hope that more people who meet me know me for my love for Christ and my love for people more than they know how sad I am that I lost my parents. I hope that for those reading this I have been able to communicate love. Love is what defines me. When meeting with prospective students, I often ask them to tell me a little bit about themselves. And I've started to wonder, what would I say if they asked me the same? I'm sure I would say I'm a newlywed, I just graduated with my Masters, and so on. I probably wouldn't mention the loss of my parents, but I'm sure it would be something on my mind. But is that really who I am? In the conventional sense, yes. This isn't some existential crisis. I'm not pondering the meaning of life, but I am taking a deeper look at what defines me. After some thought, I would say love. But love doesn't define me. It releases me. It allows me to heal. It allows me to forgive. It allows me to grow. It allows me to be. The love that I have for Christ frees me. The love that I have for my husband fulfills me. The love that I have for my brother and my sisters warms me. I am not defined by my loss. I am not defined by the fact that I planned a wedding without my mom and didn't have my dad walk me down the aisle. Those were sad, but they happened. I can't change them. I miss my parents every day, but that doesn't define me. The love that I have for my parents emboldens me. So it really is a double-edged sword; can you imagine if someone asked me to tell them about myself and I went into all of that? How do you decide what defines you?

I think it's my hope and my prayer that I can use my experiences to help others. I hope that someone might read this and know that there is goodness in this world. Bad things can happen, but there is still so much good. God is good. People are good. I would lie if I said that there are moments when I am terrified of what might happen next. It's a reflex when you've endured so much tragedy. And sometimes that fear consumes me. Sometimes I let the fear of the unknown, the fear of future tragedy define me. Sadly, I am sometimes defined by "what ifs?" It's hard not to be. I look at my high school graduation pictures and think, "That girl had no idea what the next 5-7 years of her life would be." So it's hard to not look at wedding pictures and imagine all of the terrible things that can happen. Letting fear define you is debilitating.

When you let fear define you, even the most irrational thoughts seem rational. Of course someone else you love will get sick because one person already did. Of course there will be tragedy because there already has been so much. How do you conquer this? I really don't have any answers. I think that's where the title of my first blog comes to fruition. You can't forget to breathe. You decide what defines you. You decide what frees you. If you let anger into your heart, it will define you. If you let fear into you mind, it will define you. My dad always told me that I could choose to be happy or I could choose to not be happy. I never thought I'd say it, but he was right. Let joy into your heart. Let forgiveness into your heart. Be hopeful. Be grateful. It's scarier to be all of those, but it's so much more fulfilling. Be the person that others want to be around. You decide what defines you. I'm not the only person in the world to have lost both her parents (there are 3 others like me in my family alone). Whatever your cross to bear, hold your head high. There is good in this world. People will surprise you if you let them into your heart. When we open our hearts and open our minds, we make ourselves vulnerable and available for pain. But we also make ourselves available to love. Choose to be happy. Choose to love others. I hope that after someone meets me, even if they find out about my sadness, they are overwhelmed by my love. My passion. My thirst for life. It's sometimes easier said than done. A lot of times, I am angry. I am sad. I am fearful. But most of all, I am hopeful. I am hopeful for a day with no more pain, a day filled with unending love. Until that day, I will choose to live my life with compassion, with grace, with love. I will never know two people as graceful and warm as my parents, and I hope I carry their grace with me.

Don't let what happens to you define you. My tragedy is my tragedy. It is a part of me, but maybe it doesn't have to be the bad part. I can choose to let it be the part that reminds me to be graceful and reminds me to be thankful. I long for my family to include my parents, but it doesn't. And it won't ever again. That's a sad blunt truth, but it doesn't have to be debilitating. I have the love of my parents deep within my soul. I would love to call my mom on my way home from work, but instead I spend a few moments in prayer and feel close to her. People, sadly, leave you. They fight like hell to stay, but sometimes it's out of their hands. But love never leaves. 1 Corinthians 13 is a super popular verse, especially for weddings, but when you really look at it, it's hard to do those things on our own. Love is patient--I can get impatient. Love is kind-- I try, but I'm sure I'm not always....it always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. How powerful. Love, through Christ, is all of these things. Always. I don't know anyone who can say that. Love has to be incredibly powerful to be able to be all of that. Let this love into your heart. Let yourself trust, allow yourself to hope, and above all else, let love help you persevere.

Dream.

I know that it has been a very long time since my last post, but I am back from my pre and post-wedding hiatus. The wedding has come and gone and now I am settling into being a married woman. It still is so crazy to me that you spend so long planning for your wedding day and thinking it is never going to arrive and then it comes and goes so quickly! I just want to go back and relive it all again. Just once. Okay, maybe more than once. In between all of the transitions that have been happening I have started feeling that draw back towards writing here. I think today of all day's seems very fitting to get back into the swing of things.

Today, well what's left of it, is my Momma's birthday. I use present tense because even though she is gone, her life should still be celebrated in the present. We didn't make her a cake and celebrate but we also didn't spend the day lying in bed. I think we were somewhere in between. It has been two birthdays that we have had to spend without her. Today as I was reflecting on her birthday and the many birthdays that we did get to share, I started really realizing what all has been happening in this crazy life. There are so many blessings all around, and I know that they started with my Momma. And my Poppa. Yesterday was also Father's Day, and I think I feel about it the same way that I do about birthdays. Since Mom has been gone, I  have never really gotten too choked up on those days. As cheesy as it sounds, every day in our house was Mother's Day or Father's Day. I have no regrets with either of my parents and I know that both of them felt my overflowing love. So on days like yesterday, it's just another day to miss them. Missing someone never goes away but it also doesn't increase or decrease depending on how many Hallmark cards are purchased. But I am getting away from my point.

Thinking about the past year of wedding planning and the culmination of our wedding, naturally, leads me to think about my Mom. I've written a bit about planning a wedding without her, and that's also not what I want this post to be about. I am so proud of the way we honored both of my parents at the wedding. There were tears but there was also laughter. And that's exactly what I wanted. Maybe not the tears, but I wanted laughter. I wanted simplicity. Elegance. I didn't want to be confined to a banquet hall. In my mind, I deconstructed a traditional wedding reception and rebuilt my own. I always have to find a way to be difficult! I could write for hours about the beauty of our wedding, but I'll save that for anyone who wants to talk in person. My point, and what I've been reflecting a great deal on, is that I never settled. Throughout the whole wedding planning process, I refused to settle. I think that refusal came from my Mom. There was never a dream too big or a goal too great for her. I really think she would have wanted chandeliers or something even more glitzy at the reception. She taught me to refuse to settle. She taught me to run towards my dreams. If I could give advice to any future brides it would be that. Refuse to settle. I'm not saying have an extravagant wedding that will break the bank (I also can provide great DIY wedding tips, but that's also for another day) but what I am saying is have the wedding of your dreams. Don't let anyone tell you that something isn't doable. There were some parts of my wedding that seemed tricky to execute. I had an amazing day-of wedding coordinator in my brother and his band of friends, but I wasn't willing to settle on the vision that I had for our wedding. I wasn't stressed very much during wedding planning. I was planning a day centered around joy and love, so what is there to stress about? However, I would sometimes get frustrated when I thought that being practical was going to overrule dreaming. That frustration was also magnified by the fact that I didn't have my Mom by my side daring me to dream. My mom would have said, "Yes, go for it! We'll figure it out and make it work." That mentality is one of the biggest traits I've taken from my Mom. I am a dreamer. And that is another piece of advice that I would give. Don't let the fear of dreaming stand in the way of seeing that dream come to reality. I am proof of that. I had a vision for my wedding last year and I knew what it would take to see it through. And I don't regret one thing. I wish I could plan a wedding every year. It gets a little hectic the weeks leading up to the wedding, but what a wonderful "problem" to have. I wish there were more hours in the day to plan my wedding!

Learning to never settle is something that I have carried with me and will continue to do so in my life. When I graduated in December, I really struggled with being unemployed. Here I was with this advanced degree, all polished and ready to go, with no job. I had a few promising interviews, but nothing fruitful. I think I was hardest on myself. Throughout that time, my Dad was the driving force in not letting me settle. He wouldn't let me apply for random jobs not in my field because he knew that the right job would present itself. I was not very patient, but he constantly remind me that whatever job I ended up with would be worth the wait. Just like my Mom, my Dad had faith in my dreams. Some parents think that you need to stand on your own two feet and figure out how to survive on your own, but my parents weren't like that. Not in the traditional ways. I never doubted that I could move home after college. Or graduate school. My parents knew my dreams and knew what I was working towards. They knew I wasn't coming home to sleep the day away and eat all their food. They let me come home so that I could chase my dreams in a place surrounded by love. It wasn't always rainbows and butterflies. I had bills and knew I needed to pay for things, but my parents knew that what I was waiting for and working towards would be worth it The right job is worth the wait. The right person is worth the wait. The perfect wedding is worth the work. Dreaming is worth it.

My husband (I could write Anthony, but it was way more fun to type "husband"!) started out as my first real boyfriend. There were one or two boys before him, but none of them really count. Not when you look at what he was as my boyfriend. Or if you look at the fact that he almost wasn't my anything. Now he's my everything. Funny how life is. I'll spare the story (and Anthony's dramatic rendition that we broke up even when we weren't technically dating) but the main point is that it was my mom who made me give him a chance. She had just found out that her cancer was back, and I was trying to let her think about something other than what the road ahead looked like. I told her about this boy I liked, but life was too crazy to date him. She then proceeded to yell at me and tell me that this could be what I was waiting for and I shouldn't blow it! My mom knew even then that it had the potential to be something really special. She wanted me to wait for someone exactly like him. And when she saw me getting in my own way, she stepped in and told me to see what and who was right in front of me.

I know that this post has been all over the place. I blame the million things going on in my head and in my life and that I'm a little rusty with my writing. I started out today thinking about my Mom and how she taught me to dream. She taught me to refuse to settle. That's how I approached wedding planning without her by my side. She would have wanted me to have the perfect wedding and I did. It wasn't too hard to dream because I do have amazing people surrounding me and who helped to create my dream, but I was prepared to do it on my own. She knew that Anthony is who I was waiting for, and man was she right. My Dad knew that there was a job out there worth waiting for and I'm working on that one too. If you take anything from my rambling it's this: "Never settle for anything less than butterflies." Have the wedding you've dreamed of your whole life. Wait for the boy who gives you butterflies. See the life you want, be genuine to people along the way, and go after it. My parents did and I think I will too.

Celebrate.

I just realized that it has been a while since I last wrote. Life has been...busy, to say the least. Graduations, wedding prep and more wedding prep have taken over! I keep getting asked how I'm feeling these last few weeks. I feel great. I know that the month is busy, but it's a good busy. This month is full of family and celebrations and love. If being busy means celebrating the things I'm getting to celebrate, then I'll take it. There are worse things in life than being busy. I am definitely taking time to smell the roses the last few weeks of planning this wedding. This is the only wedding I'm ever going to have. This is the last three weeks that I will ever get to plan a wedding. I will gladly offer guidance to my sisters, but it will never be the same.  I know that three weeks will fly by, but time still feels like it is crawling! The reason that the wedding is in May (aside from the fact that this long-distance stuff is for the birds!) is that it was my Momma's favorite month. I don't really know why, either. None of our birthdays are in this month and their wedding anniversary is in June, but she loved it. I think that later on in life she loved that May was when we all came home from school for the summer, but overall I really think she loved the warmth and the beauty that came with May. So Anthony and I decided to forever mark May as a celebration of love and warmth. Thinking about May being her favorite month has started me thinking lately about some other her other favorites in life and subsequently some of my favorites. I'd like to share some of those.
1. God. My mom was the most devoted servant of God. She enjoyed reading the Bible and delighted in making connections between what she was thinking/feeling and what she would read. She could have questioned a lot in her life, but she chose to remain steadfast in her faith.
2. Family. It sounds cliché but this really was her favorite thing. She was warm, silly, loving, funny, and any other wonderful adjective you can imagine. Being a wife and mother were the greatest jobs she ever could have held. She wanted us to feel loved every minute of every day. She succeeded. 
3. Laughter. So many times, my mom could get us rolling with laughter. She decided she wanted to be fun and lived that way. When we would call her crazy she would always reply, "Would you rather me be this way or be an old studdabubba?!" 
4. Preschool. She loved these kids. She would come home and tell us about the stories and give us updates on her "favorites." Being surrounded by the kids made her so happy. 
4. My Dad. Their relationship was surely not perfect, but no relationship is. They showed me, well all of us, that integrity, honor, and perseverance are to be highly regarded. My mom said "yes" to a date to the junior prom and held that man's hand all the way through the joys of life and the sadness of sickness. He wanted to save her and protect her, but all he could do was love her. I really don't think that they were meant to be apart. 
5. Dessert. Many people have told us that they've never seen a house that consistently has as much dessert as we do. My mom would have rather eaten chocolate ice cream, or cake or a milkshake than a chicken breast any day. She loved sweets. On any given night, she would fall asleep around 8 or 8:30, wake up around 10:30 or 11 and drink about 2-3 milkshakes. She never even used a cup. She would put her hood up, curl up on the couch, and drink the milkshake straight from the blender cup. 
6. Being outside. She was not outdoors-y. Not a camper or hiker or hunter or fisherman. But she could stay outside for 8-10 hours at a time. Grass cutting, yard maintenance, house maintenance, anything. She would come in every few hours and drink a glass of soda (water didn't taste like anything) and then go back outside for a few more hours. 
7. Life. Hers was way too short and she wasn't ready for it to be over, but she loved it. She fought like crazy to be here, but that wasn't part of the plan. She loved too much to be okay with leaving, but we have to be okay with her leaving. 


So there is just a small snippet into the favorites of my favorite woman. She was small, but she was a fighter. She was a lover, too. So bring on the wedding and bring on the celebrating!

Warmth.

I've been listening to a song on repeat lately, and some of the lyrics read,
All of these lines across my face tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to

 I'm sure I have a lot of lines across my face. And I have a lot of stories to tell. But I would be nothing if not for the people around me. I've written before that I'm no good at being alone. I can spend hours by myself and I'm a very private person, but I need people. I want people. I'm not saying that everyone needs to fall in love and get married, but I have a very hard time believing someone who thinks that they don't need anyone but his/her self in order to be happy. I believe in finding inner peace and happiness, but we are meant to be in community with people. It doesn't matter if you have a husband, best friend, brother, sister, or goldfish. What matters is that you surround yourself with people who love you, people who challenge you, people who support you, people who make you so mad you aren't sure you want to yell and scream or laugh. We are the company that we keep. Why not make the company worth while? Why not be the type of person that others want to be around? 

When I was growing up I always wondered who my parents' friends were. I remember seeing my uncles at our house and a neighbor here or there, but my parents didn't really have a group of friends. They both were close with their siblings, so I guess they didn't see a need in many outside friends. I really don't have an opinion about their decisions except that I know the place my parents most wanted to be was at home as a family. When you're a kid you just want to go outside and play and be with your friends. You don't want to spend nights just being with your parents. You don't understand how precious or important that time might be to them. Now that I'm a grown-up I would give anything to have one more family dinner with all six of us together. 

Throughout both of my parents' deaths, I've thought that a lot. What if I had one more day? What would I say? I just wish I could talk to my mom one more time. I wish I could hear her laugh and feel her warmth. I wish I could let her know that I'm taking good care of my sisters (I think). I wish she could see me in my wedding dress. I wish I could scoop her up into a tight hug like I always did. All I want is one more day. I wish that I could tell my dad that I was listening. I am trying like hell to choose to be happy. I am making the little things count. I wish I could hear him say, "Sleep good, Kar Bear." I wish I could respond, "Okay, Poppa, I'll sleep well."  Above everything, I wish I had one more chance to tell my parents thank you. Thank you for showing me just what unending love and grace looks like. Thank you for the values that you have instilled in me. In all of us. For showing us that your family might take a new shape but it never leaves you. Thank you for the laughter. Thank you for your life. I don't have any regrets with my relationship with my parents. There will never be a day that goes by when I don't wish they were here or think of something I'd love to share with them. I don't have any advice for what to do when those moments arise. Maybe that's the part of me that is the deepest wound right now. I don't know when I will stop wishing my parents were here. I don't know when I'll stop feeling a twinge of jealousy when I hear someone had a successful stem cell transplant or anger towards an incredibly unhealthy person living taking their life for granted. I don't know when I'll stop missing my mom and dad. I don't know how to stop missing them. But I do know how to live my life. I know what matters. I know who matters.

I know that my mom gave everything for her family. She knew that people in town talked about her. Saw Lori trimming her grass with scissors again. Can you believe how she's always out there cleaning? She's crazy. Gotta love small towns, right? Here's the thing. She didn't hang out at the Moose on the weekends. She didn't gossip at the grocery store. Those things didn't matter to her. She wanted me. She wanted all of us. So she trimmed our grass with scissors. I thought she was crazy, but that didn't stop me from picking up a pair and joining her so that she wouldn't work as hard. She cleaned. A lot. Not because she was a neat freak. Okay, maybe a little. But she did it because she wanted us to be proud of where we lived. She wanted us to have a nice place to call home. The greatest job title she ever held was that of mom. My dad was the same. He didn't spend as much time in the yard as her, but his greatest accomplishment was us. He did a lot of great things in his life, but we were who he wanted to come home and see. We were what made him whole. I don't think that I was a kid who never realized this. I didn't really have any teenage angst or mood swings. My dad and I had our disagreements (I can only imagine my brother and my sisters' faces as they read that), but I always knew what they did for us. But I don't think I lived like I did. So that is my mission now. I am living every moment for them. I will hold my head up high and I will treat people with respect and kindness and grace because it's what I got from them. I want to be the person who laughs at silly jokes and cries at sappy movies. I don't want to climb Mt. Everest or meet someone famous. I just want to be happy. I want my life to be an example of grace and dignity. Because I want to and because I'm a representation of my parents and their legacy. Sadness comes. I cried the whole time I was writing this post. And sometimes sadness doesn't leave right away. But happiness also comes. You have to work at it, but true joy is worth the effort. The love that comes from joy is worth the effort. 

The English teacher in me is wondering how I can tie this post together with a neat little bow. But the realist in me knows that life isn't always neat. I guess if you take anything away from reading this it's to surround yourself with good people. People who will build you up and hold you accountable. People who will do silly things with you. Surround yourself with people--or even just a person, who makes you feel joy and comfort. Recognize that there is sadness in the world but that during that sadness all you have to do is look to your right or left. I bet you will be glad to see whomever is there. I have a lot to talk about and a lot think about, but I would be nowhere without the people next to me who are listening. I think that's what I've come to realize through a lot of what has happened. I don't have to be that sad girl. I don't want to be her. Sometimes I am her, but more than anything I want to be that person that you want to talk with. I want to be the person who listens and cares. The person who makes you laugh. I want you to feel my warmth because I was blessed to have felt the warmth of my parents. Sometimes I may want to cry with you, but then we can laugh and have a glass of wine afterward. Be thankful. Be humble. Be graceful. Choose happiness. 

Letting Go.

Forgiveness is a funny thing. It's a funny thing that I've struggled with as long as I can remember. My siblings and I often try and figure out which parent we are more like. Among many other traits, we're all a little crazy and kooky like my mom and we're all a little stubborn (maybe me the most) like my dad. My mom used to say that my dad and I butted heads so much because we were so similar. Most people will say that they were raised in a way that they could tell right from wrong. I've always held myself to such a high standard, and mostly unknowingly, I hold others that highly as well. I treat people with respect and honesty, and I expect others to do the same.

 In the last few weeks before my mom died, I never wanted to imagine the worst. But the worst was coming. As the realization slowly crept into my mind that we would lose her, I clung to my family. I clung to my boyfriend (now fiance). And I clung to my friends. If you know my family, you know that we are intensely private people. I struggled with the creation of this blog at first because I was afraid to let go of some of the personal feelings that only a few know. I let my closest friends know that my mom was gravely ill, and I'm sure they all put the pieces together that she probably wouldn't be getting better. I can't imagine how they felt. Everyone tells me that they don't know how my siblings and I do this. Live without our parents. Well I know that answer, but what I don't know is how my friends do it. I don't know how my fiance does it. I hate that I'm the girl who lost both of her parents, but I know how to be that girl. I've talked all about breathing and smiling and it really does work. You really can heal. But I've never had to be a friend to someone in such intense tragedy. I've never had to try and love someone through their pain. I've never wondered what I could say or do in a situation where there seems to be nothing to say or do. I've only ever been the one who is consoled. I've never been the consoler. I never really realized that until just now.

 When my mom died, I didn't have a checklist of expectations for my friends. They didn't have to provide answers, they didn't have to try and make me smile. The only expectation I had of them was that they would be there. There is a relative term. I knew that not everyone could be at my house in the days following her death. We are scattered across many states, but I needed to feel their warmth. I wanted to feel their love. I was enveloped in the arms of my family, but I still needed my friends. I needed that handful of people who God brought into my life and with whom our friendships are uniquely special. And there they were. In phone calls, in cards, in person, and in prayer. I didn't have to ask them. They were just there. Having my friends there for me could never bring back my mom, but they were a reminder of God's goodness and provision. They were a reminder of love. And they still are. It's funny because when you're in college, you make friends and you can't imagine that you won't be friends forever. Attending a small college, I thought I was one of the lucky ones who really would keep her same group of friends forever. I am one of the lucky ones because a few of them still are. Our friendship has transitioned as we have transitioned. We have grown closer even as the miles between us have grown larger. But one of the most unexpected sadnesses of being the one who needs consoled is when friends let you down.

The realization that a friendship was never built to last and was only superficial hits you like a ton of bricks when you're already sad. I expected to be sad in the days, weeks, and even years after I lost my mom, but I didn't expect the heartache of realizing that friendships are never what you thought. People you thought would be there in an instant suddenly aren't. I was surrounded by family and love, but I couldn't shake the feeling of being let down by some friends. I was angry, I was sad, and I was disappointed. I kept reversing the situation. If it were me, I would be there in an instant. I would write a letter, I would call. It took me a while to realize that my expectations are not what everyone else's are. People don't always do what you think they will. They don't always act the way you want. It hurts when someone isn't there for you. It's not the end of the world, but it hurts.

Realizing that a friendship was never what you thought hurts too. People say that time heals everything. I don't know if I believe that completely. I think time gives you clarity. Time helps you to realize what's important. Friendships end. People don't do what you think they will. You realize that you weren't as close to someone as you once thought. But that's life. Life is too precious to keep anger in your heart. About a year after my mom died, I started to feel peace. The hurt I clung to had slowly faded away, not because it was almost a year but because in that year I realized that I love a lot of people. I didn't think that love would be the theme of this blog, but it's coming up in almost everything I'm writing. I always thought that I wasn't capable of forgiveness because it meant that what you did to me was okay. And truthfully, it probably won't ever be okay, but I'm okay. And I love you anyway. That's not to anyone in general, that's just the peace that I've found. We live in a fallen world. All we can do until the day when Christ returns is surround ourselves with those we love. That's what I've learned through all of this. People can hurt you. People will disappoint you. But people can also make you feel loved. They can make you laugh and make you feel like your day was a little brighter. I am a sinful, imperfect person. But I can love you with all that I am. I will love you with my whole heart. I hope that those closest to me know how much I value their friendship and how their love has brought me peace.

Wed.

I've spent a lot of time in my car the past few weeks. I like to call myself a nomad--travelling from place to place. I'm lucky enough to have some pretty spectacular friends and family who have extra beds and free time to hang out with me. 3 hours trips seem like a breeze to me now. Sometimes I'm belting out Backstreet Boys with my best friend, but for the most part it's just me and my thoughts. And naturally my thoughts are consumed with memories of my parents. I think about the trips I took with them, the places I wish we could all go, but most of all I think about the talks I had with them. I got engaged after my mom died, but there was one day we spent in the hospital where I let my mom ask me all about my wedding--which she was absolutely sure would happen. This was probably 10 months before I got engaged, but I let her drill me with questions about bridesmaid dresses, bridal showers, and wedding locations. I've been seeing a quote a lot lately that reads, "Enjoy the little things, for one day you will look back and realize they were the big things." My mom and I were sitting in a hospital while she got platelets, and wanting to do anything to distract her, I talked about my far off wedding. I thought it was make-believe, but little did I know that that was the first wedding planning session I would have. Every decision I've made for the wedding takes me back to that day with her. I can see her smiling and crying and asking a million questions. I keep that image with me. Not the image of her hooked up to an IV. I never see that. When I close my eyes, I see my mom, giddy with the excitement of planning a wedding. Talk about something little ending up being something major.

It is so hard to believe that I am almost done wedding planning. Really, I am done. I'm in the "wedding executing" stage. I grow more excited every day, but I'd be lying if I didn't say with every detail that is finished I feel a tug at my heart and am reminded what I'm without. I take a deep breath and keep my mom alive in my heart, but some days (well, everyday) I wish she was here. I want to know if she likes the centerpieces. I want to know if she likes all the purple (her favorite color). I want her to see me twirl in my wedding dress. I have a string of pearls that my mom excitedly gave to me for my 23rd birthday. She died exactly one month later. I really wanted those pearls, but they've now become my most treasured possession and the basis on which my wedding look was founded. If my dress didn't go with those pearls, it was not a contender. I tried on many dresses, but it wasn't until after I bought THE dress that I realized it was very similar to a dress I described to my mom that day in the hospital. It also goes perfectly with the pearls. I'd like to think that the pearls were her way of telling my that she would have loved me in my dress.

Planning the wedding without my mom was something I prepared myself for, but getting married without my dad to walk me down the aisle was not anything I could ever expect. He knew a lot of the details. He knew that my first wedding meltdown came in invitation wording. I wanted the wording to be special enough to honor her. Two weeks after crying over how to include my mom, I lost my dad. In the initial hours I thought, "There is no way I can get married now." I had no basis for saying it, but my heart was ripped open for the second time in 18 months. In those bleak moments, I wanted nothing to do with wedded bliss. Death wants to rob you of your ability to hope. It wants you to lie in bed and let the grief consume you. Sometimes it's easier to be sad. Happiness takes work. Worry, fear, and anxiety are more welcome friends than joy and peace. But in the days following my dad's death, I felt peace returning to my heart. I still worried, and I think I always will. But I was at peace that my wedding would not only be honoring my mom but my dad as well. My dad was buried in the suit that he bought to walk me down the aisle. He can now be with my mom on my wedding day. Where he should be. Whether they are together in a pew or together in heaven, I don't think that matters. So, for the second time, I rewrote the wedding invitation wording. Only this time I was at peace with what it said. I wanted to stand at the end of the aisle on my Dad's arm and have him be there when I join my life with my new husband, but he was meant to be there with my mom.

I don't know how I will be on my wedding day. I don't know how I will be tomorrow. Today I was happy, so today was a win. My wedding day is not going to be a memorial service for my parents. It is going to be a celebration of everything. A celebration that we are still standing, a celebration that we are still healing, a celebration that we are still smiling, a celebration that we are still loving. Their deaths don't fit into that. Their lives do. Everyone keeps asking me if I am stressed, but I'm really not. I know a lot needs to be done and maybe the anxiety will come, but I really feel like the peace that I got 9 weeks ago has transcended into the final weeks before the wedding. Maybe that's the gift that my parents are giving me. I worry about a lot. A lot a lot. But I'm not worried about the wedding. It will be beautiful because of the people who surround it. My mom would love my centerpieces because she loves me. She would love my dress because she loves me. At the end of the day, it's all just details. It's all just stuff. People are who matter. Love is what matters. Details are fun and pretty, but details don't make love. Just because my Dad isn't physically there to walk me down the aisle doesn't mean that his love isn't just as real. I want to kiss my mom and see her in a pretty dress. I want to see my Dad in that grey suit and hold onto his arm. But I'd rather have their love above any of that. And I have that love, so that's good enough for me. And the greatest part of the day is that I have the love of a pretty incredible man. And our love is rooted in the greatest love of all. I gave my heart away to him almost three years ago, and he has taken it no matter how battered and bruised it becomes. His love and unending joy has slowly mended me. And his joy comes through his unwavering faith. We are broken souls, but together we are mended in Christ. The greatest gift of all is that we may have hope of a day when there is no more sadness and there are no more broken hearts. A day is coming when there is only pure joy and pure love.

So the little things become the big things. I'd say that's pretty accurate. Phone calls with a friend turned into the most genuine love I've ever felt. Wedding planning is fun, but marriage planning is incredible. I am looking forward to my wedding day. I am looking forward to being a blushing bride. But I am over the moon excited to become a wife and life partner. I have the love of my parents deep in my soul next to the values they taught me. Really, as long as that handsome man is standing there waiting to build a life together, I would marry him in pajamas, on a Tuesday, in the middle of the street.

Running.

I've been travelling lately. A lot. I didn't plan on it, but it was something a bit out of my hands. When my Dad died and people realized that once everything calmed down I would be on my own, I got a lot of offers for company. I love everyone who offered, but I really was planning on being just fine on my own. I have wedding details to finish, books to read, spring cleaning to do, and many other time-fillers. Being by myself is temporary, and I am nothing if not strong and capable of being on my own. At least for a few months. In the weeks after my dad passed, my brother was able to be home a lot. In fact, the first night I ever spent alone in my house came 6 weeks after my dad passed. For 24 years and 6 weeks, I've never slept here alone. Now I'm not afraid of my house. Or at least I didn't think I was. Trying to sleep that night was one of the hardest things I've had to do. It wasn't really the sounds because I know houses creak and the wind blows. It was the silence. I had never noticed how quiet my house was until that night. I was so alert and my emotions were so heightened because I was the only one in my house. I've lived on my own and spent a good deal of time alone, but this time it was different. No one was coming home. Everyone was back to work or school, and I was at home. My dad wasn't coming home from work. My mom wasn't downstairs folding laundry. It was just me. And the silence. And it was awful.

Obviously I survived that night. I lasted in my bed until about 3 am and then I called it quits and slept a few crappy hours on the couch in the living room. The whole time, in between thinking a mass murderer was coming or that my house was haunted, my mind stayed on this thought. My house is not meant to be silent. I am not meant for silence. Even while my mom was sick, our house always had laughter. Even though we weren't fulfilling a "bucket list" or living each day as if it were her last, we still laughed. God blessed us with an incredibly tight knit family. I think a lot of people have seen that, but I lived it. We liked sitting around the kitchen table and joking around. Even after my mom dad, the laughter continued. Even after my dad died, the laughter still continued. But when everyone finally went back to their lives, I was left. And instead of laughter there is silence. Not sadness, just silence. I'm not writing this for pity, just honesty. I think if I moved to a new city and was starting a new life, the silence would be different. I moved to grad school on my own and dealt with the silence the first few days. But this is different. This silence is almost a reminder of what's missing. It's temporary but it's still unnerving.

That first night I was so determined to win the battle against the silence in my house. "This is my house. I won't be afraid. I won't give in to the fear," I kept telling myself. And then when the second night to be alone came a few days later, I told myself the same thing. I need to learn to be on my own. I need to do this. I can't do this. I don't want to do this. And then I realized something. Silence is temporary. Just like sadness and tragedy, love wins. Joy wins. I'm not alone. I am while my sisters are at school and my fiance finishes school, but that's all temporary. The silence is temporary. I have the greatest gift of all. A lot of people love me. One person really loves me. Enough so to marry me next month. And the time is fast approaching when this house will be filled with laughter on a permanent basis. I don't need to prove to anyone how strong I am by staying in my house alone. Yes, I can do it. The night eventually turns to morning and my house isn't so scary anymore. But, I have the opportunity to spend time with the people I love. So I drive. And I spend time with some pretty wonderful people. Sometimes you have to seek out laughter. I'm not running away from the silence. I'm running towards the laughter. This is my house and that won't change, but people are who really make it a home. I would love for my dad to come up the stairs again, and I would love for my mom to be bustling around the house again, but I can't dwell on the fact that they won't. I love them the most, but that love is in a new place. It's in my heart and my wedding and my laughter. So I'm packing it up, putting it in the passenger seat, and hitting the road. For now.

Grow.

I've been thinking a lot over the past few days. A lot. So much so that I haven't slept much--which I don't recommend. My mind has been racing on all sorts of subjects. I've been thinking about what I want to write next, I've been worrying about life, I've been excited about life. I've been a lot of things. One of the realizations I came to is that your mind is a dangerous tool. People handle grief in different ways. Some people can't get out of bed, some people never fully cope and simply move on. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Some people find it relieving to talk to a counselor, some people internalize their feelings. I may have experienced profound loss in a close proximity, but I am no expert on grieving. If anything I feel weak. My mind is my best asset and my worst enemy. I love learning, I love academics, and I love promoting knowledge. But I let my mind wander so badly and so deeply that I can convince myself of anything.

I've been thinking a great deal about growing up and when you become a "grown up." I think when you're in high school, you can't wait to be a grown up. Out of your parents' house, making your own money. No one to tell you what to do. I was never one of those kids. I was perfectly fine spending time with my parents and my siblings on the weekend. I had no desire to go to parties or live a life that took my away from my parents. They weren't smothering, they didn't hover. They were just fun. I think once they realized that we were pretty okay contributions to society they decided it was okay to loosen their grip a bit. I don't think my dad was ever going to stop "teaching" us, but home was never a place that I wanted to leave. My entire first year of college, for multiple reasons, I couldn't wait to go home on Fridays and I hated leaving on Sundays. I did eventually find a family at school, but I never lost that feeling of being pulled towards home. So, I never wanted to "grow up" and move away.I went to college and grad school, but now I'm back in this house. So when did I become a grown up?

I think my parents did a good job of letting us become individuals and make our own decisions. Neither of my parents questioned my decision to major in English in college. Even when I questioned my decision. They let me make decisions. But I don't think that's when I grew up. I think I grew up when I stopped seeing my parents as invincible. When I stopped looking so much at my own "problems" and saw my parents as emotional, real beings I grew up. I saw my mom's tears, and I saw her hair fall out. 4 times. I sat with her when she was getting treatment, I cried with her each time it failed. I stopped worrying about my life and feared for hers. I feared for life without her. I don't know when it happened, but at some point in those 5 years I decided that if I could just love her enough and protect her enough that she would be okay. But with each failed treatment I saw her spirit--and mine slowly fade away. I couldn't love her cancer away. I never lost my little kid mentality that she would get better. If I was good enough and smart enough and wanted it badly enough then she would get better. But she didn't. All of my protecting didn't work.

So I spent the next year and a half healing. Or coping. Or adapting. I'm not quite sure exactly what I was doing, but I was living. I laughed. I loved. And once again I found myself protecting those around me. I would never try to fill my mom's shoes--that's an impossible task, but I made sure I was there for my sisters when they needed laughter, advice, guidance. And I protected my dad. Like I've said before, I made it my mission to help him be happy. He often would tell me, "Kari, I had a mom. I don't need another." He was still my dad. I went to him for wisdom, truth, and guidance. I leaned on him for support. But I saw his sadness too. I knew he thought he was ripped off. He was supposed to be moving into a new phase of life where it would be just him and mom again. But he couldn't love her cancer away either. I never thought, "Poor Dad." But I wanted his happiness. I wanted my mom here to be with him. I lost my mom, but he lost the love of his life. They weren't perfect, but she was the only girl he ever loved. I have different emotions with my dad's death because it was so different. I didn't have a chance to save him. I didn't have a chance to love his heart attack away.

So after all this, how do I know I'm a grown up? I don't have a job (I'm working on it!), I live at home, and I don't have the things most people think qualify you as a grown up. But I know how to love. I know how to live in love in spite of loss. I can mend. I think love makes you a grown up. When you realize that there is loss in this world. There is sadness and tragedy that you cannot control. But you can control love. My dad always said, "You can choose to be happy or you can choose to not be happy." I feel like a grown up when I choose to be happy. I worry and I stress and I make myself sick with anxiety sometimes, but I can choose to be happy. I choose love over sadness. Sadness will come. Loss will come. But love comes too. There are days when I feel like that lost little kid who wants to pull the covers over her head and yell for her mommy. But I don't have a mommy. But I have her love. And I have my Dad's love. No monster under my bed stands a chance against me when I feel empowered by that love.

Do.

This may not have much to do with this post, but my brother and I were watching The Shawshank Redemption the other night (one of my dad's favorites)and this really stuck with me. Red is reading a letter than Andy wrote to him and it reads, "Remember Red, hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies." Hope is the best of things. That's what sadness takes from you. It takes the hope of a better day. It takes the hope of a future. You're too scared to let hope in your house after tragedy. But you can take back hope. I am taking back hope. It never dies. My parents died, but the hope that they had for their children lives on in my hope. I carry the hope of my parents in my heart and in my head. When I feel hope slipping away and worrying about the future, I need to remind myself of this quote. Hope is the best of things and it never dies. You just may need to search a bit to find it. But I promise it's there.

When you lose one parent, your world and your heart is broken. When you lose someone as dynamic as my mom, that loss and that brokenness is magnified by about one million. But, like I wrote, I was healing. I was mending. I am healing and mending. I know my life and I know my feelings, but what I've realized is that others don't. I've labeled the looks you get as the "sad eyes." The "how are you doing?" slight head tilt, sad eyes. I don't mean to make light of this because I know people mean the best, but that's probably the hardest question to answer. First, do you really want to know? Because we could be here a while. Second, are you asking because you've been wondering or because you are sure I can't get out of bed and just want to confirm it? When a second parent dies, and dies so soon after the first, the sad eyes are out in full force. I don't know how I'm supposed to be acting, but even though my parents are gone, I still need to go to the grocery store. I still need to cut the grass. I still want to go for a run around town. Here is my point. Please ask me how I'm doing--or anyone who you might know in a similar situation. Please keep my family in your thoughts. Please say some prayers for us. But don't pity us. Don't shake your head and think, "Those poor kids." Because we don't feel that way. We feel blessed. We don't have parents anymore. We can't make new memories. But we have damn good memories of the past 27, 24, and 21 years. Death can't take those away. Yes, there is sadness. But I assure you there is joy. We are still blessed. So, "how are you doing" is a very complicated questions. Am I good? Yeah, I think I am. I'm a new good. I'm a learning to mend good. Am I sad? Yeah, I'm sure a part of me will always be sad. It's funny because when I get the sad eyes, I, unknowingly, have a standard answer of reassurance. I tilt my head slightly, smile, and say, "We're okay. We're hanging in there." I don't even know where this comes from. It just happens. So, let's make a deal. Ask me how I'm doing, but change it up. Say, "I thought about a memory of your dad the other day." Or, "I thought of you all and smiled today." Then I won't tilt my head. I'll look at you and respond, "Thank you. I smiled because of my parents today too." Deal?

My dad was always trying to impart his wisdom on his kids. This was usually met with an eye roll and a half-hearted attempt to listen. But I was listening. "You catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar." Okay, I won't yell at the Dept of Ed when I finally talk to someone after days on hold. I'll be calm and they'll gladly process my application. Which they did. There Dad, you win. Here's one piece that has always stuck with me. He drilled it into us to be a "first hi-er." When you are walking somewhere, he told us, and someone is coming in the opposite direction, you say hi first. Don't avert your eyes, don't wait for them to say it. Personally thank someone if their good or service meant something to you. Be personable. My dad would say hi to someone 50 yards down the road or across a parking lot. This embarrassed my mom to no end. "They don't want to say hi to you!" she would say. We started telling him he was looking for "heaven points" by talking to so many people. I hope he's putting them to good use. Here's what I've learned from all of this. People don't do what you expect. Sometimes they exceed it. Sometimes they fall short. When my mom died, I expected a lot from people and was let down. So, this time around, I'm letting it known what I expect and what I want.

If you feel sad for me, I want you to tell me. If you want to reminisce with me, let's do it. If you want to talk, let's talk. If you think you want to do something nice for my family, do it. Just do something. Don't let so much time go by that you think it's too late. It's not too late. If you want to send a card, it's never too late to read kind words. If you think you'd like to send us dinner, we'll take it! Just do something. Not just for me and my family, but for anything. Don't put life off so much that it passes you by. Don't let a friendship lapse because you think you waited too long to contact them. Act. Do. I'm on the other side of this equation guaranteeing you that it will be appreciated. My siblings and I are making a conscious effort to make sure our door is always open. And I would hope that folks in a similar situation would do the same. Come over and watch a Pens game with us. Come visit Saturday morning. Just know that some people in my house sleep a little bit later than most. Back to the point, do something. Don't put off calling a friend because that friend may be expecting it more than you know. Some of the best-intentioned ideas never make it to fruition. Be the person who makes that happen. I promise you it's never too late. It's never too late for good intentions. Just do something.

Mend.

This blog isn’t meant to be a Hallmark card for coping with loss. I want to share how I’ve dealt with grief, and how I deal with it every day, in hopes that someone might read something I’ve written and think, “Wow, I’ve never thought of it that way. I guess you can be happy again.” Honestly, though, some days hurt. A lot. Some days the sadness consumes you and all you can think about is the series of events in your life that has brought you into this sadness. It’s not like you really have a say in the matter. The sadness just consumes you and the tragedy of life consumes you. I had spent every day of 18 months finding ways to conquer this sadness and to heal my heart after my mom died. And then my dad died.

Every patch on my heart was ripped open that morning. Every stride I’d taken to heal, I thought, was wiped away in an instant. Sadness consumed me. Grief consumed me. Disbelief consumed me. My dad wasn’t sick. He wasn’t suffering from a gut-wrenching sickness like cancer. My dad was so focused on how to be happy after my mom died—and how inconceivable that was—that he forgot to mend his broken heart. He couldn’t control having a heart attack; essentially, he couldn’t control his broken heart. The events surrounding that day are still surreal to me. It was an oddly familiar feeling. People flooding to my house. My home—my dad’s home—filled with mourners and food and sadness and food. I didn’t eat for an entire day. Isn’t that odd? Well-wishers bring so much food you don’t even know what to do with, and I couldn’t make myself have a desire to eat one thing. In my eyes, no amount of food or hugs would bring my dad back. My mind was consumed with one thought: I was at home. I put myself in charge of my dad’s happiness and well-being, and I let him down. I let him die. I could have done something. Could have heard something in the middle of the night. I could have saved him. I let my brother and my sisters down. I let my uncle down. I let my dad down. I let my mom down. For all of the happiness I found in my mom’s light and love, the only emotion I let consume me that day was guilt.

And then I realized something. I use the word I way too often. Me me me. It’s my natural instinct. I didn’t blame my dad—even though a doctor’s visit could have prevented this. It was easier for me to blame myself. I knew there was nothing I could have done. Being a logical, intellectual, adult, there was nothing I could do to save my dad. But that same little girl who never expected to live life without her mom surely never thought she would live without her dad too. I made it my mission to make my dad happy again after my mom died. His happiness mattered more than my own. His grief mattered more than my own. He never asked for it. I simply decided that it was best for him. And I think that he was happy—sometimes. I think I wanted him to be happy so that I could feel okay to be happy too. Writing that sounds a lot more selfish than I ever meant it to be. I wanted him to be happy so I worked as hard as I could with my school and with my assistantship. I wanted him to be happy so I called him twice a day. I wanted him to be happy so I talked about the wedding as often as I could. And he was happy. For me. He was happy for the direction my life was taking. He was happy I was happy. But at nighttime, after the phone calls, and after a day of work, he came home to an empty house. His happiness—true and real happiness—was gone. He loved one girl his whole life, and he did everything he could to save her. There’s that hero syndrome again. Nothing my dad did or didn’t do could make my mom’s cancer go away. And when it didn’t, he blamed himself. He blamed doctors, but mostly he blamed himself. Seeing a pattern here? My dad loved his family more than his own life. Seeing another pattern here? He wasn’t ever going to truly be happy again until he was with my mom. And now he is.

He in no way knew that this was going to happen. His heart was irrevocably damaged and only a doctor’s visit—which he was so against since my mom—might have predicted it. But those are all muddied details. Once again, we’re left with pieces. How do you mend your heart twice? This goes back to the whole breathing deal from yesterday. I want so badly to protect every person I love and to never let anything bad happen to them. As long as they are okay, I am okay. But I’m not. Not really anyway. I have to mend myself and not dive headfirst into protecting others. There is a peace that comes each day in this new life without my parents. I have to learn how to be okay with them not being here. And I think that stems from knowing that they are together. I am still learning and praying and striving for answers about “where they are.” Are they in heaven? Are they asleep? But does it really matter? My parents are no longer here. In a physical sense. But they are alive in each of us. In our laughter, in our tears, in our accomplishments, in our strength, in our weakness. In that sense, they are together and they are happy. There is no more hurt for them, there is no more pain. They are alive in the promise of Jesus Christ. In His sacrifice for our sins that we might have a hope for a better day. They are waiting for that better day. It is coming. And it will wipe away all of my selfish fears, desires, and tendencies to lean on the word “I”. I am not alone. I have the peace that I love my parents with a whole, mended, broken, mending heart. And, no matter how I may lose sight, I have always had the peace that I am loved. I am loved by two parents together at rest, and above all, I am loved by the One who conquers all fear and all death and who brings ultimate happiness.

Breathe.

I've been toying with the idea of writing down my thoughts for a long time. At times, this blog will be wedding advice and ideas. At times it will be a lesson I've learned. I think today will be a combination of both.

When you're a little kid it's easy to think about what you want to be when you grow up. However, we don't often think about what our life will be like when we grow up. That's not the fun part. We don't think about bad things when we're little. We think we will have our own house, a great job, and lots of toys. But what happens when you grow up and life isn't the way you ever could have imagined? What if it's worse? What do you do? You put one foot in front of the other and breathe.

I don't remember what I wanted to be when I grew up. Chances are I wanted to be like my mom. Kind, smart, loving, silly, superwoman. Now that I'm a grown up, I can only hope that I have become even a fraction of a bit like my mom. When I was that little girl wanting to be like my mom, I never imagined that I would one day live life without her. And I surely never imagined it would be so soon. But cancer doesn't care about your little girl dreams. It doesn't really show much regard for what you want at all. My mom fought like I have never seen anyone fight. She didn't give that disease one inch of her body without defending herself like crazy. But cancer doesn't care that you're the world's best mom. Cancer doesn't care that you love your kids and your husband more than life itself. Cancer doesn't care that your smile lights up a room. We live in a fallen, sinful world. And because of that, and despite all of her fighting, cancer took my mom.

So here I am. I'm getting married, without my mom. And without my dad. But we'll save that for another day. I don't want this to be a tearjerker, but I know many people look at my life and say, "I don't know how she does it. If I lost both my parents, I don't know what I'd do." Here's what you do: Take a deep breath, put one foot in front of other, and smile. I said yes to a marriage proposal without my mom. I bought a wedding dress without my mom. I am planning a wedding without my mom. I had a bridal shower without my mom. And I'm still standing.I'm still smiling. I miss her every second of every day. I miss her when I'm addressing wedding invitations and I miss her when I'm cleaning the house. I miss her when I wake up in the morning and I miss her when I lie down at night. It doesn't go away. Everyone tells you, "It gets better with time." It doesn't. No amount of time will let me hear my mom's voice again. So what do you do? You breathe. You smile.

Every day I find new ways that my mom lives in me. I find myself thinking like her, reacting like her, and living like her. My mom never had a "bucket list". In fact, she'd be pretty pissed that she's gone. But she did love her life. She loved laughter and she loved being crazy. Mostly, she loved me. And my dad. And my brother. And my sister. And my other sister. My mom loved love. And that is how she lives in me. I love love. Not the mushy, gushy, gag-me type of love. Ask my fiance about that. No. I love to make people happy. I love when people smile because of me. So I am planning a wedding that will make people smile. I want my wedding to be a reflection of love. I want to dance and I want to laugh and I want to love because that's when I feel closest to my mom. That's how I deal with her being gone. I breathe, I laugh, and I love.